Crazy drunk girlfriend............

Van and I walked into the bar, heels a glowing. We always try to go see our favorite band play when we can. And absolutely, it is an 80's cover band, because Van and I know good music when we hear it, thank you. So anywho, we are dancing and shaking our groove thang when all of a sudden my nicotine habit flares up again.

Yes, I smoke. Let's not make a big deal of it please.
*inhale**exhale*
So I see this tall, rather round version of one of my more GIG exes. (GIG is a term Van and I use to describe a relationship that is thankfully over. Glad It's Gone)

Well, of course he is smoking. And guess what. Yeah, somewhere in all the shuffle and noise I have lost my lighter. Yay me. So, like any normal human would do, I walk up to the guy and poke him on the shoulder while making the universal thumb motion lighter sign at the end of my cigarette.

And before the words "Excuse me sir, May I borrow your lighter?" can exit my mouth, this obviously extremely drunk, muffin-topped, Monica Lewinsky look-alike throws her hand on top of mine and snatches it off.
Keep in mind that all the while, Van is still shaking her rump listening to the band play.

I blankly stare at her like she has lost her darn mind. Then she starts screaming like a banshee...."Don't you EVER touch my boyfriend! Don't you ever touch him!!"

*insert tire screeching noise here*

Well, I WAS having a good night. I'm sorry, I didn't know they outlawed lighter borrowing, ma'am. Also, when did they start allowing white-trash into my bar?
And me, being the all-too-nice person I hate being sometimes, threw my hands up and walked away.
Finally, after finding Van and being able to tell her about my run in with psycho muffin-top girl, she suggests I go illegally borrow a lighter from the bartender since that is the safest bet. Lo and behold, who do I see? None other than round GIG look alike trying to buy two more drinks.

Yay me. But at this point I don't care, so I go ahead and ask the bartender for a lighter (who doesn't have one) and I am seriously about to rip someone's head off and throw it over the bar if I don't find a lighter. So GIG looking guy kindly slides his lighter to me across the table without saying a word and I light my cigarette. As I am about to walk away, he turns to me and says "Hey I'm sorry about her. And stuff like that is exactly the reason I'm breaking up with her."
*insert tire screeching noise here*
I stood....MERRILY dumbfounded. I walked right over to Monica muffin-top (oh, why are your pants so tight?) and simply stated "I only wanted to borrow a lighter, but it seems you have burned yourself, ma'am."
And with that, Van and I had an altogether vivacious night of rockin' 80's music with our heels-a-movin and I SWEAR as Van and I exited the building later that night, walking right past the cheery couple, the band started playing "*and it's sweeeeet, sweeet, sweet VICtory.*"
Van and I both uttered a humble "Amen."